Dealing with Grief When the Relationship Was Complicated
- RD Montgomery
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
"Never speak ill of the dead." While this is a polite way to attend a funeral, it is not advice to take on board when dealing with personal grief. Truth is the only lamp bright enough to navigate the darkness of loss.
I recently found out that a friend of mine died a few years ago. We had been out of touch for a very long time. His death has hit me a lot harder than I might have expected. However, grief doesn't play by logical rules. I am sad I didn’t make another effort to reconnect with him, and I am sad his mind and body were ravaged by illness over his last decade. I was not around when he and his family might have needed some support, and that annoys me.
The Need for Honesty in Grief
Grief dredges up the past. It gives us an opportunity to reflect, but it must be honest reflection. As I process the past of our relationship, I have to accept that we were two people who, in some ways, were compatible and in others, we were like oil and water. I should not try to overlook his part in our struggles because it is unhealthy.
In minimizing someone's faults, or, worse, making them a hero, you risk feeling false guilt for the complications in your relationship or inflating the loss. In either situation, a person can go from experiencing grief naturally to feeling as if they have a debt to pay. Paying this debt usually looks like grieving more and longer and doing extra things to memorialize the person who died. This keeps you stuck in grief because grief is for the living; it is of no benefit to people who have died.
In my own honest appraisal, I recognize that my friend and I shared a responsibility for the friction. It may be the same for you, or it could be that you were a victim like David.
Speaking of David, if you find yourself grieving over a complicated relationship, you are in good company. In 2 Samuel 1 David finds out that Saul has died. Saul actively tried to kill David and Saul was standing in the way of David's ascension to the throne. Yet, David didn't throw a celebration, he experienced profound grief. David didn't have to pretend Saul was a perfect man to mourn the significance of his life and the end of their era. He acknowledged the tragedy of the fallen without erasing the reality of the pursuit. It can also show you that grief can occur even when there is also relief from an ongoing problem. God made us complex.
Keeping Grief in Proper Perspective
Ultimately, truth keeps the past in its proper perspective. The living cannot change their side of the history, nor can the deceased change theirs, but you can choose not to become a victim of distorted memories. Recognizing what made the relationship a struggle keeps everything in its proper perspective. Moving forward requires honoring the good without surrendering to a false narrative. Truth remains the only way to navigate the complicated shadows that grief inevitably stirs up.
This transparency aligns with the principle in John 8:32, that "the truth will set you free."
Acknowledging reality is not an act of betrayal; it is a necessary boundary that prevents the weight of the flaws from becoming a permanent burden the living must carry. If we sanitize their portion, we lose the ability to process the actual relationship we lived. The initial part of grief is dark, and getting stuck there is unhealthy. We must keep moving through it and truth lights the way.
Once the dust of the past settles, the proper perspective is the only thing worth taking away is how what you have learned can help you or others in the future.
How What I Have Learned Can Help You
All close relationships that persist over a long time will experience times in which you love that person, but you do not like them, they don't like you, or you don't like each other. Sometimes this is a minor bump and you make up an hour later, sometimes it creates a partial or complete division and you find yourself loving someone who is not in your life anymore. You cannot force anyone to reconnect with you, but try to make it harder for them to maintain a distance, like I should have done.
It Is Not Weak To Seek Help
When someone with whom you shared a complicated past dies it can leave you stuck in grief or it can leave you with unresolved bitterness. Either one is a darkness that keeps you from being physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy. Please consider seeking a Christian Counselor to help you navigate these waters.
All Scripture is in ESV format unless otherwise specified.
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